Reactions

I have always been "plus size" (I put that in quotations because the definition of plus size is ever changing) and for years I never had a problem with it. I can also say that I have never been the most confident person in the world because society has always condemned people for being plus size.

If I felt alone in the world, upset, etc., I could hide behind myself. It was as if I was invisible and no one could see me. Being on the larger side meant that I had more room to hide within myself. My body truly was my comfort zone. My body was the one things that would never leave me. It would expand with me as I ate more, it would shrink with me as I ate less; it was always there.

A few minutes ago, I didn't see my mirror on the bathroom floor, I stepped on it and you guessed it; it broke. I have never been extremely superstitious but lately luck hasn't been on my side either. I picked up the mirror and looked at myself in it. What I saw, was a person who was hard to recognize, a distorted image of who I thought I was. What that told me, other than the fact that I have to purchase a new mirror, was that in the blink of an eye, things can change and you can become someone you don't recognize.

I never thought that I would have made it this far on my journey, which started on January 2 of this year. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. For one, I actually feel better about myself when I look in the mirror. Two, it seems that my level of confidence has improved. People would always tell me "you are so quiet" and they always interpreted that as being shy. I never wanted to draw attention to myself so I would always remain quiet and not talk to people around me because I felt as if they would judge me based on how I look.

Yesterday was the first time it hit me that I was finally breaking out of my comfort zone. I had to conduct some business and the guy who was helping me actually entertained me in a conversation for close to two hours. It was the first time I actually had a conversation that covered everything from where we grew up, attended high school, college, life plans, relationships, etc. and never felt self-conscious. I actually felt inspired to keep talking and bring up new things.

This journey has really changed me for the better and as every day goes by, I feel that I can break out of my shell even more. Even if it just begins with a two hour conversation with someone or actually feeling confident in a bathing suit, which is the next task left to tackle in about a week and a half.

I titled this post 'reactions' because the most important thing on this journey is how you react to the changes in yourself, not how others react to you. When you start feeling better about yourself, break out of your shell, take on something that may not have been imaginable for you before those are all signs of changes. They are all changes that you should be proud of.

I have a long ways to go before I will fully be adjusted to being someone I never thought I could, but I am fine because I believe that good things come to those who go out for them. I wanted to make a change for the better and that is why I started this journey. I am in the prime of my life and I want to take advantage of that. I no longer want to be self-conscious, afraid to talk to people because of what they may say, etc.; I want to become the person I know I can be.

I want to live beyond the old me.